NVC in Therapy

Alright... I'm about to let you all in on a little secret - a trick of the trade, so to speak. For those of you who have been in therapy before, you may already know this secret, or you know it but you don't know you know it. (And for those of you who's knowledge of therapy comes from Hollywood films and TV, I'd love to shamelessly take this opportunity to tell you that that's likely not at all what real therapy is like off camera). Okay is that enough preamble? Are you ready to know the secret?

Here it is: Nonviolent communication is used in therapy all the time. Some practitioners, like myself, are specifically trained in NVC, while others use concepts of it but don't necessarily call it NVC. For example, a clinician might use what they call "active listening", which in NVC, could loosely be translated to "giving empathy". (More on that in a minute.)

This all makes total sense if you look at the history of NVC. It was created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, who spent most of his professional adult life as a clinical psychologist. It is probably safe to assume that Dr. Rosenberg was quite familiar with the many different styles of talk therapy and therapeutic interventions out there, and for those who have studied or even use such interventions, it is quite easy to spot the parallels between many of them and NVC.

To be clear, I am not saying that Nonviolent Communication is therapy. While it can certainly be therapeutic, I believe there is much more that goes into therapy than simply using NVC. It can, however, be an incredibly helpful tool, and it is at the basis of my therapeutic practice. Here's how:

1. Fostering connection: As I mentioned before, most therapists will do something called active listening, which means they will repeat key words or phrases that the client shares to make sure they are really understanding, as well as give the client an experience of being heard. In NVC, this reflection is a key element in giving empathy. And giving empathy is a great way to foster connection. When it comes to a therapeutic relationship between client and practitioner, connection, trust, and emotional safety are paramount to getting anywhere. For me, this means giving empathy is an absolute must.

2. Focus on needs: There is one main component missing from active listening that does not equate it to empathy a la NVC, and that is a focus on needs. Needs are at the core of all human experience, and they are especially helpful to identify when dealing with conflict. So, I am always listening for the need(s) that are either being met or not being met in my client's lives/situations. Getting down to the need, or the very core of their issue, is incredibly helpful in moving forwards towards finding solutions, because we have something to guide the goal setting.

3. Shedding the story: In NVC, the word "story" simply means thoughts that aren't necessarily facts. We all have stories about the people, events, and situations we encounter, and often, these stories can dictate our internal realities. So regardless of whether or not that guy on the freeway "cut you off because he is an a**hole who likes racing cars dangerously for fun" (in quotes to indicate that this is a story), belief in that story will have power over your internal experience. In NVC, there is an intentional shedding of blame and judgment, which is then replaced by observations. Re-framing a client's story into observable facts can be a very helpful therapeutic tool.

4. It promotes self-awareness: This one is a little trickier because it requires some education of NVC, meaning I can't simply employ NVC and then my client becomes self-aware, but rather they would have to learn at least a little bit about the practice and actually use it for this claim to ring true. Like I said, in NVC there is a focus on needs. It takes practice, but I think anyone can learn to connect with themselves to the point in which they can identify their own needs in any given moment. This is a skill that I might teach to a client, because when one has this kind of self-awareness, the clarity alone can bring so much ease to an otherwise overwhelming situation. It is also helpful for me, as a practitioner, to have self-awareness around my own needs within a therapeutic environment. I am human, too, and sometimes counseling someone gets heavy and hard. Knowing what my own needs are is helpful for me to be able to reach out for appropriate supports.

These are just a few ways in which NVC guides my therapeutic practice. I really think there is so much here that probably would take many pages to write, but I'm hoping this aptly encapsulates the use of NVC in therapy, at least for me. To any other therapeutic practitioners out there - psychologists, LCSWs, LMHCs, MFTs, counselors, etc. - does NVC show up in your practice? If so, how? I would really love to know. Or maybe you practice NVC but you've only received therapy instead of provide it for others. Have you noticed your practitioner using any elements of NVC? Feel free to share in the comments.

And as always, if you are interested in some formal education of Nonviolent Communication, please check out The Bigbie Method's Intro to Nonviolent Communication course here. My judgment is that if you're open and curious, the course will prove to be incredibly eye-opening. (It also might help to make a little more sense out of all this stuff you just read.)

NVC in Healthy Relationships: What's Luck Got To Do With It?

As St. Patrick's Day approaches, many of us revel in the festivities, donning green attire and celebrating luck. Yet, when it comes to relationships, luck has little to do with their success. Instead, healthy and fulfilling connections are cultivated through understanding, empathy, and effective communication. This St. Patrick's Day, let's explore how the principles of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can guide us in fostering relationships that thrive not on luck, but on conscious effort and compassion.

Nonviolent Communication, developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, is a method based on the principle that all human beings have the capacity for compassion and empathy. It emphasizes the importance of expressing ourselves honestly and listening empathetically to others, with the goal of fostering understanding and resolving conflicts peacefully.

At the heart of NVC lies the concept of empathy. In healthy relationships, empathy is essential, as it allows us to connect with others on a deeper level and build trust. By practicing empathy, we can better understand the needs and feelings of our partners, friends, and family members, leading to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

Another key aspect of NVC is the idea of expressing ourselves honestly and authentically. This means being able to communicate our feelings, needs, and desires in a clear and respectful manner. By being honest with ourselves and others, we can create an environment of trust and openness, where true intimacy can flourish.

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how we handle it can make all the difference. In NVC, conflicts are seen as opportunities for growth and understanding. Instead of resorting to blame or criticism, NVC encourages us to express our feelings and needs calmly and to listen empathetically to the other person's perspective. By approaching conflicts with empathy and understanding, we can find mutually beneficial solutions and strengthen our relationships in the process.

So, this St. Patrick's Day, let's remember that healthy relationships are not born out of luck, but out of conscious effort and compassion. By practicing Nonviolent Communication, we can cultivate relationships that are grounded in empathy, honesty, and understanding, leading to a more fulfilling and meaningful life for ourselves and those around us.

If you are interested in learning Nonviolent Communication so that you can implement it in your life, and ultimately nurture your relationships, check out the Intro to NVC course with The Bigbie Method.

Spring Cleaning... For Your Head

Spring is here, which for many means spring cleaning - the often therapeutic purge/scrub throughout one's home and possessions. Maybe every spring you clean your room, car, office, closet, etc. When you finish, you probably get feelings of satisfaction and joy from needs met around order, structure, and maybe even peace and ease. Clutter can be distracting and overwhelming, and sometimes even infuriating. We clear the physical clutter in our lives to have space, and ultimately, peace, but what about the clutter in our heads?

Okay hear me out... You are likely human, which means you have likely knowingly or unknowingly filled your head with some things that don't meet any of your needs. I'm talking about things like blame, harsh assessments, and stories. Not only do we not need these things, but like mold in our homes, they tend to fester, grow, and cause harm.

I'll give you an example. Maybe you have a story (common NVC term for judgment about someone that isn't necessarily based in reality but something you have thought of in your mind) that your boss is lazy and inconsiderate. You repeat this story in your head every time they ask you to do something. Then you vent to your co-workers about it, and they start agreeing with you and sharing their thoughts and judgments as well. In that moment, maybe there's some satisfaction in the camaraderie of it all - the knowledge that someone else is also suffering in a similar way.

But let's think about what is actually happening in that scenario.

My guess is that 9 times out of 10, no one is truly processing their feelings and needs around the situation; no one is solving any problems; and I'm almost certain that no one is thinking about the needs of your boss. Instead, what's happening is the stories and judgments are being fueled by each other. They start to grow and become stronger, more powerful within you. You end up becoming angrier, and that can sometimes mean less rational. Now, you are living in a place of irritation and upset that is growing in intensity every day, even when, objectively, your boss hasn't done anything specifically to intensify that anger. You did it yourself.

We create our own realities. Yes, there are external things that happen around us that are out of our control. Of course. However, we can choose to see them for exactly what they are (observationally), or we can choose to make assessments about them, judge them, and create stories in our heads that then dictate our internal realities.

Can you relate to this? Maybe it's not your boss. Maybe it's your mother-in-law, or your teenager, or a politician, or heck - a song on the radio even. Whatever or whoever it is has as much power over you as you allow it to have space in your mind. So maybe it's time for some spring cleaning up there.

What does this look like? Well, in nonviolent communication (NVC), there are a plethora of tools for this very thing. Actually, almost every aspect of NVC is in service of this kind of "spring head cleaning". For example, NVC focuses on observations rather than evaluations and judgments, meaning it cuts out all the stories and fluff and leaves you with what is actually real. Additionally, NVC helps one to find clarity on their feelings and needs. This clarity alone can often quell intensity around a situation, but even if not, it is the foundation of any effective problem solving. There are also tools like enemy image processing, which gives clarity as well as creates space for compassion for other. Ultimately, NVC gives us the tools to see the world for exactly what it is, have awareness of how we react to it, and then replace blame and judgment with empathy and compassion for self and others.

This practice can free up so much space in one's mind, clearing it of animosity and stories, and bring one a similar sense of peace and ease that they experience from cleaning their home. Now, please note the word "practice". While I have a judgment that NVC borders the realm of pure magic, I will warn that it doesn't necessarily accomplish all that I'm spouting overnight. This is a practice that takes time, dedication, and ideally guidance. Luckily, there are sources out there (and right here!) that can help. The Bigbie Method's Intro to Nonviolent Communication course is an 8-week course that fosters a deeper awareness around all of these things, as well as a true understanding of the intention, framework, and power of NVC. If you want to give yourself the gift of a clean mind this spring, you can check it out for yourself here.