NVC and Social Work

I know, I know. Social work is broad. It encompasses everything from one-on-one talk therapy to assisting hospital patients in navigating medical bureaucracy to advocating for marginalized communities in various ways. Social work is everywhere and a part of almost every system, whether explicitly labeled as so or not.

Yet despite it's seemingly ubiquitous nature, I still think nonviolent communication (NVC) and social work go hand-in-hand. Let me explain.

The Foundational Overlaps

I myself am a social worker. I wear many hats in the social work world, and in all of those roles, I am working atop a foundation of NVC. It is embedded in everything I do, because I work with people. Social workers work with and for human beings. We are helpers. And because human interaction and care for these humans is central to my work, so is NVC. Even in my graduate program, I saw NVC everywhere. It was never called NVC, but the principles were there: active listening, identifying the core of the issue (aka, the need), reflecting what you hear someone say, and coming up with solutions that consider all parties involved (needs-based requests). I was so grateful to have a strong practice of NVC going into my MSW program; I think it helped me to quickly grasp a lot of the concepts within social work because I was already familiar with them through my study of NVC. Equally, I often notice how my social work background illuminates new aspects of my NVC practice. The two studies have really strengthened each other, in my experience.

I'll give you some more specific examples of similarities. In the National Association of Social Worker's Code of Ethics, there are 6 core values. Two of those are directly applicable to the purpose of, intention behind, and practice of NVC.

The first is dignity and worth of the person, meaning social workers inherently believe that each human being has worth and deserves dignity and respect. Within this is the practice of honoring a client's self-determination. This means assuming that the client is the expert of their own life, and never assuming that we, as professionals, know more about someone than they do themselves. It also means allowing them to make their own decisions about their life and how to get their needs met.

In nonviolent communication, we also never assume that we know what is going on for another person. In fact, that is a very common impetus for conflict. Instead, we take guesses of another's needs based off of information that we gather with our senses, and then inquire to see if our guesses were correct. There is always and air of curiosity in the process, and never an assumption.

Additionally, and maybe even more poignantly, nonviolent communication is based in the ides of compassion and connection with oneself and others. Within this compassion, there is an inherent respect and value of another person's needs. In NVC, we understand that each person has needs, and that all conflict stems from a need that isn't being met. So to address conflict, we must address needs. Since these needs are universal to all human beings, we are able to empathize with each other when we extract the need, because we all can understand fundamental human needs. This empathy, I think, can translate quite seamlessly to believing in the dignity and worth of a person. Because we are all people just trying to get our needs met. If one person has worth, then we all do.

The second social work value that goes hand-in-hand with NVC is the importance of human relationships. This one is more self-explanatory. Basically, social workers know that interpersonal relationships are key to a person's well-being in a variety of ways, so we purposely seek to strengthen relationships among people.

If this isn't NVC, then I don't know what is. Nonviolent communication is all about finding connection with self and others. It also seeks to strengthen human relationships through empathy, compassion, understanding, and connection so that we can live lives filled less with conflict and more with the inevitable well-being that comes when we have our needs met and can help the people around us to meet their needs as well.

Advantages of NVC in Social Work

Beyond the matching values of social work and NVC, there are certainly many advantages to incorporating NVC within a social work practice, regardless of the type of social work one finds themselves in.

Every social worker knows the importance of self-care. Whether it was drilled into them by their professors, or they've experienced first-hand some level of burnout - self-care quickly becomes a necessity in any social worker's career. The realities of the daily work that we do can take a heavy emotional and/or mental toll, and having strategies to process daily events and replenish our own cups is essential in being able to simply function as a person.

Nonviolent communication has been a crucial part of my self-care. It is not necessarily something that I set aside time to do, but rather it is a part of who I am. I am constantly thinking in NVC, meaning I see the world in terms of strategies and needs. When I experience emotions that are difficult to handle, I use self-empathy immediately. When I am triggered by something, I reach out to my NVC community and get empathy. While getting empathy and having clarity around my own feelings and needs may not solve the problems I'm faced with daily, it sure does help my mental health. Because having that clarity allows me to let go of blame, judgment, and stories in my head - all things that I believe are literally toxic to my brain and body (referring to stress hormones and their affect on a person - maybe a blog topic for another day).

In any form of social work, it can be very easy to let the stress of our work overwhelm us. Sometimes we feel helpless. Sometimes we think that the world is so f*cked that there is no way any single person can really make a difference (maybe not everyone has been down this super fun thought path yet, but I sure have). Sometimes we simply cannot hear about one more person's struggles because it is too much to hold that space, yet again. These are all signs of burnout, and self-care is the best-known solution we have. While I incorporate other strategies into my self-care, NVC certainly plays an integral role. Because it is present in my day-to-day, I love that I don't have to schedule it in as a part of an intentional self-care routine. It just exists within my brain all the time, and with enough training and practice, I believe this could be true for any social worker (or really any person).

Beyond relationship with self, NVC is obviously advantageous in building and maintaining relationships with clients. Like I mentioned before, NVC asks us to lean in with curiosity and a desire to understand and connect rather than an assumption that we know how to fix a problem. This energy of openness is palpable to clients, and it allows for trust and rapport building. Any social worker knows how important trust and rapport are in a client relationship. It is the basis of any work moving forward. When a client has needs met for trust and emotional safety, they are going to be more willing to share important information, become vulnerable, and listen to and consider any guidance or advice their social worker might offer. Additionally, in order to provide guidance and advice that will actually meet the needs of a client, one must know how to listen deeply to understand what those needs even are.

In fact, as I'm writing this, I am convincing myself that NVC should be explicitly taught in social work programs within universities - at least an introductory course with the option to dive deeper for those going into clinical practice. (Pssst! If any of you reading this have agency or know someone with agency to get NVC into social work education, please reach out to us). NVC has been a real game-changer for me and I think it would benefit any professional in any helping profession, but definitely in social work.

If you've stumbled across this blog and you've never done any training in NVC but might be interested, check out our Intro to Nonviolent Communication course here. I believe at least half of our current facilitators are Masters of Social Work (myself included) and the rest have done a fair share of helping work in their communities on some level. That's just to say, if you are in a helping profession, you'll be in good company. You are also welcome to email us with any thoughts or questions at support@thebigbiemethod.com .

How to Write a Heart-Felt Valentine

Most Valentines I read are either funny or full of judgment. Typically these are "positive" judgments, but judgments none the less. For example, things like "You are my soulmate", or "There is no one in the world sweeter than you". And sure, these things are fine enough for a Valentine, but if you really want to rock someone's socks, may I suggest a heart-felt, authentic, NVC-style outpouring of appreciation?

In NVC, or nonviolent communication, there is a focus on universal feelings and needs. And with this focus, we intentionally veer away from blame and judgment. When sharing appreciations or expressing love, this tool (NVC) can be used to really maximize authenticity and connection. And while learning NVC takes time, as this very brief description does not really do it justice, learning how to write an NVC-style Valentine is a bit easier - or at least less time consuming. (If you are interested in diving into the world of NVC, check out The Bigbie Method's Intro to NVC course here).

How to do it:

You'll want to shift your mindset from saying something inherit about the other person and instead bring the focus to you and your experience with them. This strategy helps to remove judgments about them, and it encourages you to speak to what is true for you, which almost always is received as much more authentic and connecting.

Step one: Ask yourself, "What do I feel when I am with this person?" or "What do I feel when I think about this person?".

Step two: Ask yourself, "What needs are met in my relationship with this person?"

Step three: Tell them that! Or write it down in a Valentine. Whatever you like.

Below, I share some examples of what this could look like. I have italicized words that are feelings or needs. You can use these same templates and just fill in the feelings and needs that are alive in you! For a helpful list of both universal feelings and universal human needs, check out this link.

Here are some examples...

Valentine for a partner:

"When I am with you, I feel comfortable and calm. I love that I have safety, fun, and passion within our relationship. For me, our bond is fueled by respect, appreciation, compassion, growth, and care - and I am so grateful for that. Happy Valentines Day! I love you."

Valentine for a friend:

"Every time I think about spending time together, I get excited because I know that not only are we likely going to laugh and have fun, but I'll also have an experience of being seen, heard, and understood. I cannot ever thank you enough for that. Cheers to our friendship! Happy Valentines Day."

Valentine for your child:

"I feel so happy and delighted to be your mama. When we are together, there is so much love, joy, kindness, compassion, and learning. I think I got pretty lucky to have you as a kid. I love you lots and forever! Happy Valentines Day."

I hope this way of expressing love resonates with you! And I hope this template and examples were helpful. Feel free to share some expressions that you come up with in the comments!

Self-Love Via Nonviolent Communication

Tis' the season of love, so in the spirit of timely appropriateness, I decided to explore how one can use NVC to deepen their love of self. Because while having a loving partner can be nice, it is even better to have a loving self. Luckily, nonviolent communication (NVC) can serve as a powerful tool for fostering self-love and cultivating a deeper sense of compassion and acceptance towards oneself.

Here are just a few ways how that can pan out.

Self-Compassion: NVC encourages individuals to approach themselves with the same empathy and understanding they would offer to others. By acknowledging and accepting one's own feelings, needs, and experiences without judgment or self-criticism, individuals can cultivate greater self-compassion. To be clear, this takes practice. Many of us are so attuned to blaming and judging ourselves when something goes "wrong". NVC helps to re-wire the brain in a way that takes away that judgment and replaces it with observations, feelings, and needs. It teaches that self-compassion is not dependent on external validation or achievements but stems from an intrinsic understanding of one's inherent worth and humanity.

Authentic Expression: NVC teaches us how to express ourselves authentically, honoring our true feelings and needs. By practicing honest and transparent self-expression, one can develop a deeper connection with themselves and foster a sense of authenticity and integrity. This authentic expression allows us to acknowledge our vulnerabilities and imperfections without shame, nurturing self-acceptance and self-love.

Mindful Self-Connection: NVC emphasizes the importance of mindful self-awareness and reflection. Through practices such as self-empathy and self-observation, individuals can cultivate a deeper understanding of their own thoughts, emotions, and experiences. By mindfully connecting with oneself, individuals can identify unmet needs, address inner conflicts, and nurture a sense of inner peace and contentment. I have written plenty about self-connection practice, self-empathy, and the benefits of having awareness around one's own internal state on this blog. You can check out some of those posts here and here.

Setting Boundaries: Boundaries are essential for self-care and maintaining healthy relationships. NVC empowers us to set boundaries assertively yet empathetically, again, honoring our own needs and limitations while respecting the needs of others. (It always comes back to needs, in case you haven't noticed). By establishing clear boundaries and communicating them compassionately, individuals can protect their well-being and cultivate self-respect and self-love.

Practicing Nonviolent Communication with Oneself: Just as NVC promotes empathy and understanding in interpersonal interactions, it can also be applied inwardly towards oneself. By adopting a compassionate inner dialogue and reframing self-talk with empathy and kindness, individuals can challenge self-limiting beliefs and cultivate a more nurturing and supportive relationship with themselves. This goes back to that first point about self-compassion. Using the process internally can really change the way one views themselves.

In summary, nonviolent communication offers a pathway to self-love by promoting self-compassion, authentic expression, mindful self-awareness, boundary-setting, compassionate self-talk, and probably other ways that aren't on the forefront of my mind at the moment. By integrating NVC principles into daily life, individuals can cultivate a deeper sense of love, acceptance, and compassion towards themselves, fostering greater well-being and resilience. I'd love to hear from any of you readers who use NVC in this way. What have you noticed about your relationship with yourself since integrating NVC into your life?