Lacking Skills in Emotional Awareness Can Cause Harm to Those Around You

According to the National Council for Behavioral Health, at least 70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced some type of traumatic event at least once in their lives (1). I think the number is probably higher than that, depending on how one would define "trauma". Many people understand trauma to be born from an intense, life-altering event; but trauma can also arise from repeated exposures to instances of basic needs consistently not being met, especially needs around safety, emotional safety, care, and mattering, and especially when these needs are consistently not met at a young age.

Here is one working definition of trauma that I like: "the experience of very stressful, frightening, or distressing events that are difficult to cope with or out of our control." (2)

Just as being in a car accident can be traumatic, so can having an emotionally dysregulated parent who hugs you and tells you they love you one minute, and yells, curses, and throws furniture the next. Trauma is complex, varied, vast, and pervasive in that people who cause harm and inflict trauma onto others are almost always survivors of trauma themselves, often even the same type of trauma.

The CDC's famous Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study has helped in bringing this to light. The majority of American adults have experienced at least one ACE, while many have experienced more (3). These experiences range from sexual abuse to witnessing violence in the home or community to having someone in the home abuse substances (there are many more ACEs beyond these). Adults with ACE scores of 4 or higher are 20 times more likely to be incarcerated at some point in their lives compared to the general population; and almost all incarcerated women have experienced some form of trauma if not many (4). In other words: hurt people hurt people.

But here is the thing - we all have been hurt. In one form or another. Having emotional awareness around how our traumas, our histories, and our triggers show up in our lives is incredibly useful in stopping this cycle of hurt. Hence the title of this blog. All that trauma talk is to say that not having an awareness that you might be having a trauma response in a moment could potentially cause harm to those around you. Maybe that response is to fight, in which you lash out verbally or physically. Maybe that response is to flee, which could leave loved ones with feelings of confusion and hurt, and needs unmet around support, clarity, partnership, etc. Maybe that response is to freeze, which could translate to neglect of responsibilities or lack of communication.

In any case, recognizing how you respond emotionally to the world around you - and having granularity and an ability to describe those emotions - can give you greater agency in how you choose to act upon those emotions. This is one of the first lessons we teach at The Bigbie Method in the Intro to Nonviolent Communication course. We teach about universal feelings and needs, and then we teach something called self-connection practice, which is basically a practice that allows one to get present with themselves and notice what they are feeling and needing in any given moment.

Often, the mere act of naming the feeling and need, sans all of the thoughts and stories that go along with them, is enough to calm a person down and turn on their prefrontal cortex, or the part of the brain that taps into logic, basically. So instead of reacting to emotions immediately (an effect of the amygdala, or "lizard" brain that is wired to protect us with fight, flight, and freeze responses), one can slow down, notice what is really going on for them, and think about how they actually want to respond.

Sounds pretty great, right? Well, I certainly think it is. I will say that this is called self-connection practice for a reason. It is an ongoing practice. And it doesn't always come easy. It takes work to be able to do this in those moments when it is really needed, which is why we teach it and practice it regularly in moments that are generally safe and free of emotional triggers.

Self-connection practice is just one of the many tools taught in the Intro to NVC course, but it is an integral one that I believe plays an incredible role in emotional regulation. To be clear, I am not saying that this practice alone will heal one's trauma or prevent further trauma from happening, but I do think it can help. Like I said, trauma is complex, varied, and vast, and there are complex, varied, and vast approaches to healing and prevention that I am not going to dive into in this blog. I do, however, think that learning NVC and having greater emotional awareness is an incredible first step to both healing and prevention.

Parenthood and NVC

I have been practicing and studying Nonviolent Communication (NVC) for 5 years. I would say that I've been very intentionally living in NVC for the last 3 of those years. In the last year and some change, I have embarked on the greatest, most challenging, and most rewarding journey to date: motherhood. And boy am I glad that I had a strong and intimate practice of NVC walking into this journey.

I'm not going to try to explain the beauties and challenges of being a new parent, but I will share how I think NVC has shaped my experience thus far for the better, whether that be with my daughter, with my partner, with the various people who are a part of her life, or with myself.

NVC with my 15-month old

My daughter is quite young. Obviously she and I are not getting into heated conflicts in which I would have to call upon my NVC skills to de-escalate and come back to connection. However, my understanding of NVC has helped me to tap into a deeper understanding of my kid, and I think she can sense that.

For example, in Nonviolent Communication, there is a central focus on universal human needs. These are things that everyone in the world needs to be content, whole, fulfilled, etc. (You can check out a list of those needs here.) Babies start off with a few of these needs, but not all of them are really relevant until some level of maturation happens. At first, food, comfort, and rest are pretty much the only needs that are particularly alive in babies, but as they grow, new needs turn on. My husband and I have had such a fun and intriguing time watching this process. Over the course of our daughter's life, new needs have turned on for her like curiosity, fun, movement, play, and very recently, autonomy (she just learned to walk last month). Even safety wasn't always a clear need for her until around the time she was able to make out faces and recognize people, at which point she became fearful of those she did not recognize.

My daughter "reading" a Feelings and Needs sheet.

Paying attention to her needs has taken a lot of the frustrating mystery out of my job as a parent (At least I think it has. I have never tried parenthood without NVC so I have no real personal comparison). Babies cannot effectively communicate their needs. So when they cry or scream or push something away, it can be hard to know why. Having an understanding of universal human needs, and looking at those situations through that lens, is incredibly helpful in de-coding baby behavior. Like I said, developing brains don't yet have all the needs turned on, so it usually isn't very difficult to figure out, especially since we have been paying attention to her development and watching new needs turn on for her. I look forward to watching the rest turn on, and being able to empathize with her when they do.

NVC with my partner

I think any couple with children can probably relate when I say that parenthood changes a relationship. I'm not saying it is for better or worse. I'd rather not put those judgements on it. It's just incredibly different, and my guess is that in many cases (certainly in mine), it is challenging. Sharing the responsibility of caring for a tiny human who cannot meet any of her own needs is an adjustment, and naturally, my partner and I have experienced conflict within this new dynamic of our relationship.

Luckily, we have NVC. Yes, we. I am one of the lucky ones who has a significant other also trained and skilled in this practice. I am incredibly grateful for this, especially in this time in our lives. When we get overwhelmed, when we are exhausted from sleep deprivation and constantly being "on", when we haven't showered in days or are too busy to remember to eat (especially in those newborn days), it is very easy to snap at each other. It is very easy to fall into the cycle of blaming the other, judging them, and saying things we might later regret. It is easy and it happens! But we have the awareness to catch ourselves, use the process, and come back to connection. Sometimes that happens in a quick 2 minutes; sometimes it takes a couple of days to process and work through fully. But we always come back to connection, and I 100% attribute that to NVC.

In fact, I would recommend NVC training to any couple thinking about having children for this reason alone. I truly believe it has the power to strengthen and maybe even save relationships when things get tough.

NVC with others in my kid's life

I have always had the attitude of not caring too much about what other people do with their own lives. I think I still hold this sentiment for the most part, but since motherhood, that sentiment is occasionally challenged. When other people are around my daughter, I am very aware and sometimes internally critical of the way they behave or the things they say because I think that my daughter will pick up on it. I'm not entirely sure what outcome I am afraid of, but there is definitely fear that comes up in me. NVC has been quite helpful in these instances.

First, NVC has helped me to recognize that what I am often experiencing is fear, and also that sometimes, fear exists because of stories in my head - not necessarily anything based in reality. From there, I have the tools to explore the feelings and needs that come up for me and do some internal processing around my own fear and discomfort. I also have the ability to think about the other person and take guesses as to their feelings and needs, which is quite helpful in letting go of that pesky blame and judgment that so often creeps in.

Second, there are some boundaries I have when it comes to my kid, and NVC has taught me how to clearly express those boundaries and make requests of the people around her while holding emotional safety for them. This is huge.

NVC with myself

Just like it's easy to fall into blame and judgment with others, it's easy to do with the self as well. Again, exhaustion, over stimulation, and other pressures that come up in motherhood can lead to thoughts of self-blame or self-judgment. Self empathy via NVC has significantly helped with those types of thoughts. Additionally, in moments of stress, overwhelm, or challenge - when my nervous system seems to be going haywire - connecting with myself by recognizing what feelings my body is experiencing and thinking about what needs are alive in me often help to quell the intensity of those feelings. Simply having presence with myself can completely reroute my experience in a moment. This tool has been invaluable in my life in general, but especially now that I have a child.

Of course, I want to show up in the best ways that I can for my daughter. I want her to experience love, acceptance, care, stability, safety, trust, and comfort with me. Having greater awareness of my own responses to stress, overwhelm, or any other challenge, and having the tools to reroute my behavior and/or the way I communicate in those moments is probably pretty crucial to my daughter getting those needs met in our relationship... at least that's my guess.

I am so grateful for knowing nonviolent communication, and I look forward to the other ways in which it will almost inevitably show up in my motherhood journey.

NVC When You Are INFURIATED

Recently, someone in one of our Empathy Gym sessions shared about an experience in which they encountered someone who said some things in conflict with their beliefs and values, and in a way that did not meet their needs for respect. In turn, this person was pretty hurt, irked, and angry, and they wanted to know how to move through a situation like that using NVC.

People have opinions about all sorts of things, and many people confuse opinions with fact, convincing themselves that any alternative view is inherently wrong and those who hold it must be flawed in some way. Obviously, this can be infuriating, and talking to someone who holds these kinds of views can leave one mourning needs for shared reality, being heard and understood, and likely respect.

I'm guessing almost everyone can relate to this in some way. For example, have you ever attended a Thanksgiving dinner with people who have conflicting political views?... On an election year? Things can get heated really quickly. So how does one come back to connection with someone who insults their beliefs, mocks them, or simply refuses to listen?

You already know... Nonviolent Communication!

Okay okay, it is not that simple... I think something important to remember here is the reason why we use NVC: to find or come back to connection. If your goal is to have connection with the person who vehemently disagrees with you to the point of insult, then NVC is your tool. If your goal is to win an argument, maybe try studying debate instead, because NVC is not going to work without a genuine intention of connection.

Sometimes it is hard get to the point of wanting connection, though. Especially when feeling hurt, embarrassed, or infuriated and mourning needs around respect and being heard. If deep down you know that connection is your end goal, you can work through those other feelings through your WAIT process.

WAIT stands for "What am I thinking?" or "Why am I talking?", and it is when you might step away from a conversation, especially if you are triggered, so that you can do some internal work to be able to show up to the conversation in a way that is within integrity with NVC and in service to connection. There are many processes to choose from within wait, like self-empathy, third-party empathy, or, for a situation like this, maybe enemy image process. (If you'd like to learn more about WAIT processes and deepen your NVC journey, you can take The Bigbie Method's Intro to NVC course here; we also offer extended personal development of NVC skills through the empathy gym).

Beyond doing the work in WAIT, I have found one particularly impactful mindset shift to be helpful in getting to a place of wanting to work towards connection, and that is to remain curious. Curiosity opens us up. Instead of thinking "I cannot believe how rude and insesitive this person is", I try to approach the same situation with "I wonder what is compelling this person to say these things to me". When we can have curiosity around what is going on for another person, we are more able to let go of judgments about them. Additionally, even when someone's words hurt us, if we think about them with an open and curious mind, we are less likely to allow them to be as detrimental to us.

Nonviolent Communication is, at it's core, nonviolent. We have to remember that even our thoughts about other people can very easily move into violent territory once we slip into judgment, blame, and story. Communicating nonviolently requires an authentic and genuine belief that the person with whom you are speaking to deserves opportunities to have their needs met, and it requires your suspension of blame and judgment, at least momentarily. This internal shift is palpable to others, and it cannot be faked. People tend to sense genuine sincerity, and simply going through the vocal steps of NVC without this internal shift is simply not enough.

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But when that shift is accessible, then we just do the dance: give empathy, express using OFNR, use connecting requests, come up with action requests around how to get your needs met and maybe the other party's needs as well. The steps are clear. We can learn them and understand them logically, but doing the internal work preceding these steps - the work of coming to acceptance, openness, and curiosity around those who we deem to threaten our own needs - is no small task. In fact, I would say this is the hardest work we ever have in this process, but it is so imperative for not only connection with other, but also quelling that internal fire that is so easily ignited when we are triggered. Self-study around our own feelings and needs, and patterns of when certain feelings and needs come alive for us, is super helpful in being able to come to curiosity about another's needs.

Again, you can learn more about the intricacies of the NVC process as well as get tools and support for this kind of self-study through TBM's Intro to NVC course here.